Budget
Hmm. Shopping. Trying to pick out ideal, thoughtful gifts for a cast of, well, not thousands, but certainly quite a few people. On a budget. There may be trouble ahead. If you are a close friend or relation of mine, I am offering apologies right now for the inane, irrelevant or frankly bizarre present you will receive in 10 days' time. Because I am terrible at shopping at this time of year, having no patience and very little interest in queuing for hours. Sorry.

Pirates of the Caribbean – Deleted scenes #5
INT. HMS Interceptor lower deck

Elizabeth: I believe I should return this to you.

[She hands him a gold coin on a chain]

Will: Where did you get this?
Elizabeth: I took it from you when we found you.
Will: So you stole it.
Elizabeth: Borrowed. For a while.
Will: Stole.
Elizabeth: Look, you've got it back now, so there's no need to be all sensitive about it.
Will: Thief.
Elizabeth: Come on, I was young, it was shiny, how was I to know that you were going to recover?
Will: So you were hoping that I was going to die?
Elizabeth: I didn't know you were going to grow up to look exactly like the cute one from Lord of the Rings.
Will: Elijah Wood?
Elizabeth: No, the other one.
Will: Oh.
Elizabeth: So, I've given it back to you now, which means that there's no more complications between us.
Will: You mean …
Elizabeth: Oh yes.
Will: But I'm just a blacksmith's apprentice.
Elizabeth: Whatever.
Will: And you're engaged to be married to that one from This Life.
Elizabeth: Yup.
Will: Am I the only one that sees a slight problem with this?
Elizabeth: Come on, he'll never know.
Will: But I will.
Elizabeth: You cannot be this naive.
Will: I have to find out about my father, about where I am from, about whether pirate blood really flows through my veins.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Later.
Will: Later?
Elizabeth: Are you not in the least bit curious about the fact that we're the youngest out of the lead actors here?
Will: Well …
Elizabeth: Which means that …
Will: Oh.
Elizabeth: Dad's back in Port Royal, the Commodore is playing about with toy boats, Gareth from The Office is just plain unattractive, Sparrow is just a little too weird, the guy from Shine's too old. Which leaves you.
Will: Now?
Elizabeth: Oh yes, now.
Will: This is presumably only available on the R-rated DVD edition.
Elizabeth: You bet.
Will: I see.
Elizabeth: Let me just close this curtain and we can get going.
Will: Out of interest, can you really bend it like …
Elizabeth: Better.
Will: Really?

Pirates of the Caribbean – Deleted scenes #3
INT. Port Royal brig

Sparrow: Stuck on me onesies again.

[Will walks down the stairs to Sparrow's cell]

Will: If I free you, can you take us to find the Black Pearl?
Sparrow: Uh, sure.
Will: Promise?
Sparrow: On my word as a pirate.
Will: Right then.
Sparrow: Lad, what's your name?
Will: Will Turner.
Sparrow: Oh. Related to the painter, by any chance?
Will: Painter?
Sparrow: Nothing, sorry. Getting my time periods muddled. Never a big art fan, anyway. Why do you seek the Black Pearl?
Will: They have taken the Governor's daughter.
Sparrow: I see. Crumpet, eh?
Will: Will you help or not?
Sparrow: Will Turner, release me from this cell and we shall take you to your treasure.

[Jailbreak]

Sparrow: Impressive.
Will: Come on, let's go. The guards are sure to have heard the noise.
Sparrow: Hold on, young Will. What do you know of seamanship?
Will: Er, nothing.
Sparrow: What do you know of fighting at sea?
Will: Nothing.
Sparrow: What do you know of the code of pirates and our general naughtiness?
Will: Only what I hear.
Sparrow: Well, lad, what you're about to go through will be like nothing else in your life. Which isn't saying much, by the look of things.
Will: What do you mean by that?
Sparrow: You spend all your time making swords, practising with them, and hanging about on this frankly very boring port.
Will: Yes.
Sparrow: You should get out more, get yourself an earring, live the life of a vagabond prince. Bit of rock and roll.
Will: Is there full medical insurance with that?
Sparrow: If by 'medical insurance', you mean 'rum', then yes, indeed there is.
Will: Oh.
Sparrow: And not 'oh', you should be saying 'yarr'.
Will: Yarr?
Sparrow: And throw in the odd 'ahoy there'.
Will: Yarr.
Sparrow: Didn't you watch pirate films as a kid?
Will: No, my dad died before he could take me to the cinema.
Sparrow: Oh. Sorry about that. Well, when all this is over, we'll go to one of those big screens and I'll treat you to some pirate popcorn.
Will: Erm, can we rescue Elizabeth now?
Sparrow: Oh, yes. Your little lady. Right, where's the ships at?

Pirates of the Caribbean – Deleted scenes #4
EXT. Black Pearl upper deck

Pintel: Cap'n wants to see us.
Ragetti: Oh. Why?
Pintel: Think it's something to do with parley.
Ragetti: Parley?
Pintel: Apparently, everyone's been saying it different ways and he wants to establish a standard pronunciation.
Ragetti: EH?
Pintel: He believes that in the absence of a conformed and generally accepted tonal pattern for the word, we should impose some form of received or prescribed accent, incorporating elements of the original French with the modern English tongue.
Ragetti: Uh?
Pintel: Dunno. That's what the parrot said, anyway.
Ragetti: Am I going to get a new eye out of it?
Pintel: Prob'ly not.
Ragetti: It hurts, though.
Pintel: Well, you know what Cap'n Sparrow told you.
Ragetti: What?
Pintel: Should have gone to Specsavers.
Ragetti: I did that for my contact lenses when he told me.
Pintel: You got a great deal there, didn't you?
Ragetti: Yeah, and I get my monthly lenses delivered. Shame they all go to the Island of the Dead, though.
Pintel: If any more of those UPS couriers die there, they'll surely make you go in and collect them yourself.
Ragetti: Mmmm.
Pintel: That Island of the Dead gives me the creeps.
Ragetti: It looks pretty with all that gold, though.
Pintel: A bit too Terry's All Gold for my taste.
Ragetti: What?
Pintel: I'm not a big gold fan, too bling bling for me.
Ragetti: Oh. What do you like?
Pintel: Something subtle and understated. A small silver pendant, perhaps. A single pearl earring, maybe.
Ragetti: Black pearl?
Pintel: Why, do you know where I can find one?

[They laugh at this appallingly weak joke]

Ragetti: Oh dear.
Pintel: Ahahahaha.
Ragetti: Yarr.
Pintel: Yarr.
Ragetti: What does 'yarr' mean, again?
Pintel: Dunno.
Ragetti: It's in the Pirate Code Book, isn't it?
Pintel: Not sure. I lost my copy.
Ragetti: Crikey, best not tell Cap'n Barbossa. You know what he's like.
Pintel: I'm more worried about paying the library fines.
Ragetti: Just don't use Cortez' gold like last time. That's how we got into this mess.
Pintel: I thought that if it was a choice between eternal damnation or that librarian sending me nasty letters, then damnation was where to go.
Ragetti: Just send the monkey back with a note.
Pintel: You must be joking. That monkey hates me.
Ragetti: Hates me more. Keeps trying to nick my eye.
Pintel: Well, monkey see, monkey do.

[They laugh at this even more appallingly weak joke]

Pirates of the Caribbean – Deleted scenes #2
INT. Isla de la Muerta treasure cave

Barbossa: Jack, I last saw you marooned on an island with only one bullet in your gun.
Sparrow: Well, mate, you shouldn't have left me with a chance.
Barbossa: It's a mistake I'll not be making again.
Sparrow: Now now, no need to get the hump. How's about you give me back my ship, I leave you here dead and we all go off for a tot of rum?
Barbossa: No.
Sparrow: Not even the rum bit?
Barbossa: No, Jack. I'll keep the Black Pearl, you'll die and I'll be rich.
Sparrow: You see, that doesn't really work for me.
Barbossa: I don't think you'll have a choice.
Sparrow: You're forgetting one very important thing.
Barbossa: What's that?
Sparrow: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.
Barbossa: I know that already.
Sparrow: Oh. I thought you'd forgot.
Barbossa: No. I hadn't.
Sparrow: Oh. You sure?
Barbossa: Yes.
Sparrow: Do that cool turning into a skeleton thing.
Barbossa: No.
Sparrow: Oh, go on. That's really well done.
Barbossa: It's not a toy, Jack.
Sparrow: Please please please. It really does look great.
Barbossa: Only the moonlight reveals us for what we really are.
Sparrow: Scary, huh?
Barbossa: Oh yes.
Sparrow: Can't you just quickly change? I haven't seen it in ages.
Barbossa: No.
Sparrow: Spoilsport.
Barbossa: What?
Sparrow: Nothing.
Barbossa: What did you say?
Sparrow: Nothing.
Barbossa: Yes, you did.
Sparrow: Oh, alright. I said, 'Spoilsport'.
Barbossa: I'm the captain of a pirate ship, a member of the undead, and I have cursed treasure. And you're calling me a spoilsport.
Sparrow: Do the changing thing.
Barbossa: Oh, for the love of … alright, alright.

[Walks into beam of moonlight.]

Barbossa: Are ye happy now?
Sparrow: Very. Thank you.
Barbossa: Good.
Sparrow: I'll just pop off and bring the whole film to a really satisfying, yet funny, conclusion now. See you later.
Barbossa: Er, right. Okay.
Sparrow: Byeeee.

Pirates of the Caribbean – Deleted scenes #1
EXT. Port Royal battlements

Norrington: Governor, I come to you about a sensitive matter.
Governor: Itchy scalp from the wig, is it? Don't worry, Commodore, send your batman around and I'll provide him with some of the talc I use. Sort you out in no time.
Norrington: No, Governor Swann, not my wig. I refer to a matter sensitive to us both.
Governor: Oh, I see.
Norrington: I thought you would.
Governor: But, Norrington, we will be able to replenish our whisky supply when the next ship arrives from England.
Norrington: No … Governor, no. I do not mean whisky. Our supplies will last for some months yet.
Governor: Thank God.
Norrington: I mean a matter of some personal delicacy.
Governor: Delicacy? As in entrées?
Norrington: No. Not entrées. It may have escaped your notice, Governor, but your daughter has become a fine woman. Fine indeed.
Governor: Yeees …
Norrington: And although my career has been blessed by fortune to see me promoted Commodore, there is one thing I lack.
Governor: A trouser press?
Norrington: No, Gover …
Governor: Whisky?
Norrington: I have told you, Governor, that we are well-stocked with whisky. What I lack is …
Governor: Oh my God. You don't mean …
Norrington: Yes.
Governor: … you're a eunuch.
Norrington: No. What? No. What I lack is a suitable wife.
Governor: Oh.
Norrington: And your daughter is of marriageable age.
Governor: Ah.
Norrington: I am asking you for permission to wed Elizabeth.
Governor: Well. Well, well. I suppose you could try.
Norrington: Try? Why, do you fear she will refuse me?
Governor: Hmmm, how do I put this? The thing is … she's not quite the marrying type.
Norrington: Not the type?
Governor: Yes. She's more a … tomboy.
Norrington: What do you mean?
Governor: [Looks around and coughs] Lesbian.
Norrington: Eh?
Governor: [Coughs louder] Lesbian.
Norrington: Oh. Right. I see.
Governor: Don't take it too badly, Norrington. Lord, you should have seen the blacksmith's boy when she told him. Not sure whether it was fear or excitement.
Norrington: Are you quite sure?
Governor: Positive. Don't worry, Commodore, there are plenty more fish in the … I, ah, suppose you know that already, though.
Norrington: Indeed, Governor.

Poor tactical decision
When the girl who works at Starbucks is on a break and standing sullenly by the staff doorway, yet when you enter the coffee shop her face then lights up, she smiles and brushes a stray lock of caramel-coloured hair from her forehead in your general direction, this may be a sign that she is pleased to see you.

Saying hello to her and suggesting that, in order to get to know each other better, she "might want to go out for coffee" is an incredibly poor tactical option to have chosen, when considering her place of employment. You may then decide that all your speaking privileges should be revoked for the rest of the day.

You may also decide that, on the plus side, your new haircut is worth every single penny of the under-£15 you paid, despite the fact that your 'sideburns' are not level with each other.

Beverage blogging
Hello all. It's time for tea.

Karen, though a little scruffy, has a pot of Earl Grey and a chocolate biscuit, but I'll leave the pack with her so she can have a few more, just in case. The very smartly turned-out Stuart can bring a cup over and share in the pot, as well as some cordial and a jug of ice-cold water.

S is a bit chilly today, and has requested a hot chocolate with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkes. In light of the commenting over at Pix's place, I'll provide her with a straw as well. Ask Karen for a biccie if there are any left. Ben gets a cup of strong tea in a black and white striped mug, as befits a fellow Toon Army member, and there's a pack of Hobnobs by your mug.

Adrian has some fruit tea, and has very kindly brought along a cake (in the shape of a bowl, and has hard candy letters scattered across the icing in honour of Alphabet Soup's conclusion) so, if you ask nicely, you can all have a slice. D, though sulking, can have his mocha and will have to be very quick on the uptake to get at the chocolate biscuits before Karen, Stuart and S finish them all. Slight latecomer Vaughan will also be having a mocha (with Nurofen, ahem), and is free to forage for any remaining biscuits (perhaps Ben might share his Hobnobs?).

Perennial latecomer Krissa (no excuses about time differences, please), aka our favourite New Yorker, is just coming in to avoid the onrush of an evil squirrel legion to collect her cup of English Breakfast tea, laced with a good measure of Bushmills. I presume that this is not her usual breakfast fare. Or is it?

Another of the evil troika, Kate, has also arrived late, to find that a cup of Assam has been made specially for her, and I've even put a few macaroons out, just in case she fancies one. Goodness, I had better pour another cup of tea in case Shiv turns up. So demanding, you three.

Finally, I shall have a cup of Lady Grey (which my colleague R tells me is also known as 'lesbian tea' for some reason), but no biscuits. I had a big lunch, you see.

Enjoy.

And relax
Over the past month or so, we've had absolution, beauty, confusion, a doorway, Elton John, forgiveness, my grandmother, history, ice, a jukebox, kinesis, lyrics, Mad World, New Year, opaque, a pest, quiet, revealing, sun, truth, unasked, vignettes, who, what, when, where why (and how), (e)xcited, you and Zola Budd.

It's been a strange mix of quotation, biography, fiction and emotion and, quite frankly, it's been a bit of a ragtag bunch of writings (not so much a meal, more a buffet), but I hope you've found something that you liked.

What I think I'd like is a cup of tea. And I'm sure you would also. So, pop your tea or alternative beverage option into the comments box and turn up between 4.00pm and 4.30pm, dressed reasonably smartly, and we shall have tea, sandwiches, dainty cakes and possibly a little dram of something stronger.

X is for (e)Xcited
(I get excited (you get excited too) – Pet Shop Boys, from the B-side of Heart)

We're both in the gutter, that's no surprise
What does it matter when I look in your eyes?
We've lost all our money, we're thrown out of bars
We're lying in the gutter but we're looking at the stars

I get excited, you get excited too
I get excited, you get excited too

I hear the sound of the subway, the sigh of the heat
the click of the visitors' heels on the street
the rattle of the taxi, the scream of the cars
the clatter of the dustbin and the beat of my heart

I get excited, you get excited too
I get excited, you get excited too
I don't know why, I don't know why
I don't know why, I don't know why

You're in my soul
My body moves to your control
Baby, I've been thinking about you
all night long and the neighbours are talking

I don't know why, I don't know why
I don't know why, I don't know why

We're both in the gutter, that's no surprise
What does it matter when I look in your eyes?
We've lost all our money, we're thrown out of bars
We're lying in the gutter but we're looking at the stars

I get excited, you get excited too
I get excited, you get excited too
I don't know why, I don't know why
I don't know why, I don't know why

Q is for Quiet
Hello, everyone. My name is Thomas Quentin. You can call me Thomas. I lost my voice on 23 March 2001, a Friday, and I haven't spoken since. Like car keys or an important letter, I can't remember where I left it. I've tried retracing my steps but, sadly, I still can't find it. You might think that it's difficult to live properly without a voice, but you'd be surprised. It's not that tough. I haven't learned sign language, I don't have any specific medical or neurological assistance, and I stopped my tests months ago. It's just something I've mislaid.

I get by with a notebook and a felt-tip pen. When I want something, I write it down. When people ask me, I show them the front page of my notebook, which has a small explanation about me. I rewrite this explanation on the twenty-third day of each month, fresh on the flyleaf of a brand new notebook. I get through notebooks fairly quickly, because I'm pretty talkative, and you should see how fast I write. All my notebooks are collected in my bag, all twenty-one of them. It's a permanent record of my conversational life.

I find that writing in capitals works best and avoids confusion, and my handwriting is neater now that it ever has been. I used to take time to inscribe each letter carefully, lingering over each stroke of my pen to ensure that the verticals are straight, that each word is level, that each drop of ink committed to my notebook is crystallised clarity. It is said that during the Second World War, decoders at listening posts could distinguish between different morse code operators by the way in which they tapped out those vital dashes and dots. The combination of these features of an operator's style came to be known as his 'fist'. So too are my ordered scrawlings.

H and E are the letters I have yet to master, both taking three separate strokes, requiring my pen to leave the paper twice unmarked for a millisecond's break before completing the letter. I've tried changing my handwriting to improve upon this, but somehow I always return to the same method. A vertical stroke down, curved at the end. I raise my hand for the bar in the middle, raising it again for the longer bar at the top. E. Perhaps if I wrote a semicircle cut down the middle, like a crescent moon, then a bar across the centre, that would be an acceptable alternative, but I haven't stuck with it. The motions of my hand become like a spoken accent; I can try and pretend to be Scottish or Australian, but my real accent always comes through.

I take care to buy a notebook, because it becomes my voice. The last entry of each notebook is "I'd like to buy this notebook, please" with an arrow drawn for indication, so I don't confuse the shopgirl. Sometimes the shop assistant looks confused and takes my old notebook instead. A few seconds of flicking through it shows her that it's neither unmarked nor new. My own scribbled diary, not in capital letters, cuttings from newspapers of interesting stories taped to the obverse pages, bold capital letters for my conversations, pages discoloured by spilled tea or rain splashing onto ink. When I get the notebook back, I sometimes get an apology, but mostly I don't. For some reason, having two notebooks in a stationer's shop is considered suspicious.

It's irritating that my surname begins with Q. To write a Q in my handwriting takes two strokes, one to form the O, one to strike down across the south-east quadrant, barring the wheel from motion. I want to be able to write it in one fluid motion, but it looks instead like a computer-generated zero, machine-printed onto green and white striped dot-matrix paper. I hate the look of that Q more than I resent the double motion to write it, but that doesn't make me feel better. Fortunately, my signature is a scrawl, otherwise I would be reminded every single day of my graphological failures. And Q doesn't appear very often in my life, outside my name.

I can't remember what my own voice sounds like. People don't hear their own voices very often, and even then they profess surprise that their accent is different from how they imagined themselves to sound. I don't have that choice. I can hear thoughts forming in my mind when I construct sentences, whether for a doctor or a shop assistant or just for my own reading, but I don't remember if that's how I really used to sound. Even when I form the words for lip-readers, I wonder if there is a way they can interpret my noiselessness as a dialect of some kind. It would be nice to think they can.

People often assume that because I can't speak directly to them, this means that I can't hear them properly and they shout at me. I've never been a big fan of loud noises, man-made or machine-made, and this is possibly the most annoying consequence of my muteness. Hand motions focused on the ear area, or my hand laid flat, palm down, motioning downwards, indicates to them that they can speak at a more reasonable volume. I have no desire to chastise or embarrass them, but just because I cannot transmit speech does not mean that I can't receive it. A fact which would be valuable for all to remember.

I may get my voice back one day, but my doctor isn't sure, because she isn't sure what exactly is wrong with me. I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me either, so I have the utmost sympathy for her. She encourages me to write down how I'm feeling, but I don't like showing her what I write. We're locked in a little battle at the moment about how much I can share with her, and I think I'm winning. I've been cutting down on the sessions anyway. I don't think I have a psychological problem because I feel completely normal, other than the inability to talk. As I say, my voice is just something I've mislaid. I'll come across it one day, perhaps when I'm not even looking.

Thank you for inviting me here this evening. I think that someone has arranged an overhead projector for me, so if you have any questions, please feel free to go right ahead, and I hope you have your reading glasses. Thank you again.

O is for Opaque
You didn't need to speak, I already knew what you were thinking and I shared your mind. As I gazed over at you, you seemed nonchalant, as though I wasn't even there. You searched in your handbag for your compact and then studied the reflection in that tiny mirror. Your eyes darted across the silvery surface as you turned and angled your head, little finger wetted and ready to adjust a stray hair, to smooth an eyebrow, to remove some offending trace of overapplied blush or lipstick. With the most delicate of touches, you reapplied small amounts of makeup to areas of your face which I thought were already perfect. So I was wrong. Still you didn't acknowledge, in so many words. If your attention to facial detail was not for me, then for whom?

I saw bright lights and heard a bell ring. Still I sat motionless, drinking in my observations of you as though they were the last droplets of water in the world, committing every contour to memory for perennial recollection. Finished with your small beauty regime, you returned the compact to its home and continued to browse through your small, red bag. Beside you sat another bag, larger, easier to fit over shoulders, made of canvas, a paler red. I allowed myself the luxury of sweeping my eyes across you, though only certain parts were visible. I noticed a thread trailing from the button at the top of your charcoal, fur-lined overcoat and thought it unlike you to have left such a thing unmended. Mind you, I suppose you've been busy recently.

Your neck is pale, and I can see tiny blonde hairs on the back, waiting for me to gently purse my lips and blow across them when we embrace. Your earrings are unfamiliar to me, but they suit you well, bringing out the greyness of your eyes, closely hidden by half-dropped lids. But of course you're tired, it's evening and you've been working hard all day. That's understandable, and I would never disagree. There is a tiny smudge of pale bronze lipstick on your finger. I would never have noticed on anyone else, but because your skin looks as though it has never been stroked by sun, even such a light colour shows like neon.

You crane your neck as you bring your mobile phone out from your handbag, only briefly, before dismissing it with a return. No-one has called you. They will, you can't remain untouched in this world. If they all felt as I feel now, you would never have a moment's rest from the incessant pealing of ringtones like church bells. You will be called. I see you turn your head to look at me now, and my heart leaps. I think of what I could say, but vocabulary has deserted me. You gaze coolly over me, appraising me in the way I have appraised you, deciding for yourself whether I could ever be worthy. Finishing your silent inquisition, you arch one of your perfect eyebrows and then pull away.

I hope that one day we will meet somewhere more personal than on the top decks of two different buses, waiting at the traffic lights on the Euston Road.

W is for Who, what, when, where, why (and how)
Let's take a boy and call him Luc. Let's take a girl and call her, well, what can we call her? How about Aurelie? Yes, that sounds right, Aurelie. We have Luc and Aurelie. Let's put them in a busy place, like a large town or a city, somewhere in Europe. It doesn't really matter where in Europe, because they won't be taking windy walks by the Seine, admiring the architecture of Milan or getting hopeless lost around the Barbican centre. So, "somewhere in Europe" is specific enough for our purposes. Now, we should probably think about what they're like and what they do. Actually, their jobs aren't that important, so we'll make Aurelie a student and Luc a lawyer. Oh, but it does matter, doesn't it, because you've already formed preconceptions based on students you know and any stereotype you hold, as well as compositing all the lawyers you've met to form a rough image of Luc. So instead, they will both have jobs, but I won't tell you what they are. We'll keep things nice and vague, so I'll tell you that Luc has dark hair and Aurelie has fair hair, they're both average height and that one of them wears glasses, but the other one wears contact lenses. You can guess who wears which.

Luc meets Aurelie in a bar. They speak freely yet blandly at first then, warming to one another, they discuss more risqué and personal topics. More drinks are ordered and one of them suggests that they get a table rather than stand by the bar. The other one agrees, and they sit. They both smoke, and one of them offers the other a cigarette, which is accepted. They continue to talk, but one of them keeps glancing at the clock on the far side of the bar. The other notices this and asks whether it is time to go. The timewatcher demurs instantly, explaining that they were due to meet their former partner here to discuss money owed, but how this is a much more pleasant way to spend the evening. This explanation is understood and they continue to talk about the world, about themselves, about art, about sex, about politics, about money, and about everything other than what will happen later.

Okay, okay, I'll let you in on a little bit more. The person watching the clock was Aurelie, because her ex-boyfriend Laurent owes her some money and she could really do with cash right now. Aurelie is also the person who brought up the topics of art and money. She's been reading about Magritte recently and loves the picture with the apple. Luc was the table-suggester and he offered Aurelie a cigarette. He started the conversations about the world, about politics and about sex, although he felt a little bold to speak of sex and so only mentioned this tentatively, lest Aurelie think that he wanted to sleep with her, which he does.

Onward. Luc and Aurelie are having a fabulous time, sitting, drinking, smoking and talking. One of them compliments the other on their clothes, while one of them is desperately trying to resist biting their nails. One suggests dinner, the other accepts and they go to a little restaurant nearby, called L'Ecluse. One of them turns their mobile phone off surreptitiously, to ensure they won't be disturbed. A soundtrack to a popular film is playing in the restaurant and they order from the à la carte menu. When the wine arrives, they both stage a mock argument concerning who should taste it, but this doesn't last long. The dinner is excellent, only one of them has pudding, and they linger over coffee. There is no argument over the bill, a fact which pleasantly surprises them both. They continue to linger until one takes the step of asking the other one back to their flat. This plan is accepted readily, but not too enthusiastically, in case this sounds cheap.

Still following? Good. It was Luc who complimented Aurelie on her sweater, because it is a pale blue cashmere V-neck from a very expensive shop. The sweater was a gift from Laurent, but he doesn't know that. Luc is also the nail-biter desperately trying to keep his hands busy by almost chain-smoking, which he seems to think is better. Aurelie suggested dinner because she never eats breakfast and is usually starving by evening, lunch only being a sandwich. Luc tries the wine and opts for a rather chocolatey pudding which Aurelie, who has already switched off her phone, tastes and adores. They agree early in the conversation that they should split the meal two ways, which triggers a conversation about what the Dutch call "going Dutch" and where Luc does a very good Dutch accent that makes Aurelie snort, before she realises that this is far from a sexy noise. Aurelie suggests returning to the flat.

They both start walking back to the flat, but one of them spots a taxi and hails it immediately. When the address has been given, they sit back in the cab and continue their conversation, one of them making sure that there is no physical contact, the other person hoping that there will be a hand held, but this does not happen. There is only belated contact between them when they leave the taxi and one of them stands by the driver, paying him. They enter the flat, and the person who lives there shows the other one round, giving a brief tour so that they will know which rooms belong to flatmates and hence private. They sit on the sofa for a moment, before one jumps up and offers a choice of wine or coffee. Wine is chosen and, upon going to the kitchen, the tenant discovers that there are no clean wine glasses. The inhabitant returns, and allows the guest to choose between the transparent yellow mug of wine or the frosted half-pint glass of wine. They sit and talk for a while, mainly debating what CD to play and when the flatmates will return.

No prizes for spotting that they have gone back to Aurelie's flat. Luc hailed the cab and paid for it, and is simultaneously impressed and worried by the cleanliness and style of the flat. Although he has expected something like this from their conversation, he realises that his own flat is nowhere close to this level, and feels slightly down-at-heel for being here. He has tried to be the gentleman while in the taxi, not realising that when Aurelie mentioned how cold her hands were, this was his cue to try and warm them in his own hands. He wonders about Aurelie's flatmates and what they will say if they see him here. Aurelie is not worried about this, because she is too busy fretting about how messy her room is, while berating herself for assuming that they will make it that far, and she is cursing Corinne for not doing the washing-up. She wishes that Luc would just decide on a CD rather than leave it up to her, for fear that her music might embarrass her. She is also pleased because the wind has swept Luc's hair back a little bit and he looks much more handsome that way.

Eventually, one of them decides upon a CD and they sit, talking less now that they have music to listen to. Occasionally, one of them will interject with a comment about the music or about a memory which the music inspires. They move closer together on the sofa. A hand is placed lightly and carelessly on a leg. An arm is draped across a shoulder. The ridges of soft skin on lips meet together as their necks crane to reach one another, turning their bodies to meet, to impress themselves upon the other. Hands previously held soft now range across the entirety of the other, alternately caressing and kneading, as they attempt to touch every single part. Tentatively, a sweater is removed. Shirts are mutually unbuttoned while their lips remain tight together. One stops, and leads the other into a bedroom. The lights are not on, nor are they switched on, and the door is closed.

Does it matter who has done what at this point? I think not. Suffice to say that Aurelie and Luc are too busy to wonder about making first moves now, as they have moved into an entirely different realm of etiquette. Perhaps if the night goes well for them both and they see each other again, Aurelie may tease Luc that he seduced her, or Luc may call Aurelie a femme fatale for being so forward. Or they may simply look at each other with lights in their eyes, knowing that the first move was made by them both. If the evening is not a success and they find little physical chemistry, then, well, … well, let's wait and see. But I think they that will do very well indeed. Here's hoping.

I is for Ice
When I was younger, I went to a birthday party of a friend, D. I suppose I must have been about 10 or 11 years old, and the venue of the party was at an ice rink, I think it was the one at Lea Valley, but I'm not entirely sure. I had been ice-skating before and though hardly proficient, I was decent enough that I could skate without falling over, falling into someone or generally making a complete fool of myself. Hard though this may be to understand for anyone who has met me, but when I was younger, I was actually in quite good physical shape and with relatively good co-ordination.

I went over to D's house, where I had been a few times before, slightly earlier than the alloted time so that I could go up to his room on the top floor and play computer games with him for a bit before the entire throng of people descended upon the place. I recall that he had an Apple Lisa computer which, years later, I would repeatedly try to buy from him but he always refused. He also had the best collection of comics out of all of us, a trait which guaranteed if not popularity then most certainly a certain 'cool' cachet.

When everyone had eventually assembled and all the gifts and cards had been distributed successfully, we set off to the ice rink. I will spare you the procedural details for the main reason that I have forgotten them. Ice skates were acquired, a rendezvous point was established and we all went out onto the ice and skated around a bit. There's not much else to do at ice rinks. The convention, perhaps only at this rink, perhaps at all of them, is that everyone skates in a circle around the rink, and everyone skates in the same direction.

Except for one fellow, who decided that it would be both big and clever to skate against the tide.

Unfortunately for me, I didn't see this chap until he went straight into me. Being slender and light, I was naturally the one who came away from this encounter worst, falling over and knocking my head against the ice. This is not an experience I would recommend, by the way. Although the human head is fairly well designed for general, everyday use, it does not respond well to unplanned and hard contact with solid ice. With the help of one of my friends, I got back up and skated gingerly and falteringly to the side of the rink where D's mother was sitting, guarding the various coats and chattels we had all brought. I explained that I wanted to sit out the skating for a little bit as I had hurt my head and felt a bit of a headache coming on.

And what a headache it was. After a little while, everyone else came back from skating and we went to the rink 'restaurant' for the usual burger-style lunch. I recall that the food was of an exceptionally low quality, even for plain burgers, and that my headache had intensified to the point where I couldn't eat any of the food anyway. D's mother took me over to see someone or other of a medical nature (St John's Ambulance at an ice rink? I think my memory is playing tricks on me), explained what had happened, and I was told to take some tablets and lie down for a bit. Which I did.

Next memory: waking up and looking up at a white ceiling with dimmed, inset lights and feeling a small pinprick of pain in my right palm, then falling back into sleep.

Next memory: waking up very dehydrated and leaning over to see my mother asleep on a small camp bed next to my raised, and as I now discovered, hospital bed.

Apparently the delay between lying down for a bit at the ice rink and waking up to see my mother was two or so days, and the small pinprick in my palm was due to the nurses checking that there was still feeling in that side of my body. The reason my mother was staying with me was because the doctors at the hospital had told her that my left side wasn't responding to stimuli like a pinprick and they had feared that I would be paralysed entirely down that side, permanently. Not what any mother wants to hear about her child. For the entire time that I was unconscious, they had checked my left side once each hour and there had been no response until two hours before I woke up properly.

So, although I kept a headache for a little bit longer, I was kept in hospital for another day so that they could check that the left hand side of my body wasn't just faking the whole recovery thing to avoid hospital food, and I walked unaided out with my mother to go home. No permanent brain damage was sustained, contrary to the various comments of my peers. It may not surprise you to know that I have not been ice-skating since, because I have just a little phobia about it. Wonder why.

K is for Kinesis
Michael K. has been watching the woman sitting opposite him on the tube for seven stops. She is reading a translation of Baudelaire and she has only looked up from her book once, at Warren Street station. Michael K. doesn't have a book with him. In fact, he doesn't have anything with him, except for some money in his right jacket pocket and his ticket in his right trouser pocket. He wants to make sure that he travels lightly, quickly. The woman uncrosses and recrosses her legs, her handbag shifting slightly on her lap. This makes her trouser leg ride up, exposing a tiny glimpse of her ankle. Michael K. knows this but doesn't look yet. He stares at the cover of her book.

Perhaps she is Anna O., a translator checking that the editor of this book has been fastidious with the metre and vocabulary used in translating Baudelaire. Anna O. is looking through the volume to see if the translator has attempted to keep the poet's rhymes or whether the imagery is more important than the form. She may live alone in a small flat in Kensal Rise, with cats and a tall natural wood bookcase filled with novels and collections by Rilke, Vargas Llosa, Allende, Pynchon and others. The decoration will be bare because she will wear her paintings in her soul, with little need for anything larger, and she will await the day that an average-looking man leans across her in a gallery to read the display card by the Wilton Diptych and begin a conversation. Anna O. will arrange to meet this man for coffee by the National Poetry Library the next Saturday and after hours of chatting and walking, he will invite her to dinner. They will arrange to meet several more times and while she is undecided whether she likes him enough, some weeks later they will go back to his large flat one evening and she will have dull, passive sex with him because she feels she should.

Or perhaps she is Nicola D., travelling on her way to a meeting where she will discuss marketing and value and segments and optimising and other business words. Nicola D. will be the only woman at this meeting but she will be unfazed because this is how it is for her. After her meeting she will return to her office and pass by her sullen secretary who only becomes alive when she discusses her new fitness programme. Nicola D. will sit in her office and stare at the picture of her parents in a wooden frame decorated with sunflowers, the only colour in her otherwise lifeless office. She will attend further meetings and coffee chats with her colleagues until seven in the evening when she will turn out the lights and leave for home on a commuter train where no-one ever speaks to one another. Her suburban station will only have two platforms and every other train will miss the station completely, treating it as a branch line in somewhere obscure rather than as a bona fide part of London. There will still be no hot water in Nicola D.'s house because her husband has left for a holiday with the two children and has forgotten to telephone the plumber.

Maybe she is Lindsay N., on her way to meet her agent about a new play whose auditions she wants to attend and she will have smartened herself up from her usual bohemian and always just off-fashionable stylings. She will have attended many courses in acting and have spent many hours in cheap pubs discussing spirit of text or integrity of movement or essential balance between audience and actor, omitting most definite articles from her conversation. Lindsay N. will be convinced that every audition is certain to end in stardom and recognition, despite her friends' insistence that their sofas and floors are becoming worn from her sleeping bag, and that their fridges are empty from her midnight snacking. She will spend far too long looking in the mirror and yet will not notice that her hair shows flecks of grey at a premature age. She will get tipsy on vodka, lemonade and lime, and flirt with good-looking boys with black hair in the hope that they give Lindsay N. cigarettes and then light them for her.

She may be Olivia R., an assistant in the WH Smith in Paddington station, reading a favourite poem from one of her old French A level set texts. She will be travelling to buy one of her old school friends (with whom she lives) a birthday present before returning to work to gift-wrap the present and buy a card. When she returns to the house she shares with the birthday girl and three of her other friends, and all the presents have been opened, she will sit on a bean bag with a glass of white wine and reflect on why their presents are so much more lavish and expensive than hers. Then Olivia R. will go to the kitchen and do the washing-up, watching the smaller, second television balanced precariously on the counter next to the teapot, while the others gossip. She may choose to run a bath, she may just sit on the edge of her bed and sob noiselessly for a while. Then she will lay out her clothes for tomorrow.

The tube train stops. The woman gets up and leaves. Michael K. leaves also, to follow her. His steps match hers as he gets closer and closer. He taps her on the shoulder and she turns. They speak. The doors of the train close and I can't quite hear what they're saying. I look over at another man, sitting a few seats away from me as the train leaves. Perhaps he's Michael K. instead.

S is for Sun
Helia, the goddess of sun, sat in her throne and surveyed the world beneath her with a small smile. She glanced over to where her consort, Mars, lay asleep by the olive grove. She dragged her gaze back to her world. In not one country, in not one city was there rain at the moment. Clouds had receded, their greys replaced by pure azure, winds had died down to stillness and the little blue and green planet under her charge was basking, having its moment in the sun. It had not always been thus.

In days of legend and terror gone before, where mighty war had split faction from faction, when heroes had fought and died for their kings, their gods and their ships, the weather had also entered the blood-soaked fray. Bold rain lashed down upon the sailors as they readied their mizzens and clung tightly to their masts, marshalling their vessels to engage the enemy across undulating oceans. Stark thunder flashed and darted across fields where the slain outnumbered the survivors, each peal of light and noise echoing across burnished shields and abandoned blades. Blunt winds calloused the faces of men, young and old, who had taken up their weapons and departed for unfriendly shores and violations.

And Mars had walked among them, stirring hearts to valour and acts of desperate heroism, calming minds for ruses and strategies, plunging deep within the simple man to bring him to greatness. He knew his affair, to pace through conflict stroking the plumes of the victorious and consoling the vanquished, feet stained with the blood and remains of generations. He knew his affair well.

One remorseful day, when the whistle and snap of the canvas in war camps was punctuated solely by the laments of the widows, Mars travelled awhile from the scene of carnage and wandered through peaceful glades where, brushing the fronds from his hair, he came upon a riverbank. He saw young Helia, daughter of Jupiter, laying idly by the water, brushing her hand in the stream as it passed along, composing and tickling lyrics from the air as though they were small fry from the river. Her eyes, brown as molasses, sparkled as the words danced through the leaves. Her hair, dark, fair and reflective to all the rays from her busy sunshine, tumbled to her shoulders in curls and waves, bending and curling like the sails on a trireme. Her skin was smooth and pure, caressed by the rays.

Mars approached her and lay beside her. "Fair Helia, how can I win your heart?" he asked. She laughed, the sound skimming across the water's surface, and replied, "Noble Mars, never will we be married while your days are spent in the sacking of youth. I bring sun, while your rain and lightning and mist fight against me and against the poor mortals who parry and thrust their way to Pluto's arms. Until they rest in my warmth, neither shall you." Mars thought awhile, the great warrior experiencing the most glorious and tortured of battles within his own heart. He stood and made to leave, turning back for a moment. "Princess Helia, I shall return to you and we shall rest beside one another once more."

Moving across his battlefields, Mars toiled in the work of ages, bringing restitution to the wronged, succour to the grieving, joy to the damned and peace in the place of discord. He banished his former lieutenants of the skies and, after five years of labour, prostrated himself before Jupiter for the hand of his daughter. Imperial Jupiter spread his arms across the expanse of the world, saying "Over this, I have dominion, but over a daughter? Mars, you must return to her yourself. It is only her answer that you must hear." He returned to the riverbank and saw her there, unchanged and unchanging, still plucking her stories from the sky, as though they were the strings of a harp. She turned upon his approach, stood and took his hand. They returned that night to Olympus where they wed.

And still wherever Helia travels, she brings her warmth and light, a bluer sky and a brighter day.

F is for Forgiveness
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three weeks since my last confession." The dread words of my childhood. The concepts of reconciliation, penance, contrition, attrition, absolution, trespass, transgression, satisfaction … all are ingrained within my head, but that was all just terminology. Somehow dressing up the actual act in long words (well, they are for a nine year old) removed it from the real world, and yet the motions of going to church, sitting in the pew, waiting until I was next in line to visit the confessional, entering, kneeling and saying those two sentences were partly squirmingly embarrassing and partly terrifying. Also, did God really need to be bothered about the fact that I didn't tidy my bedroom?

"To err is human, to forgive divine." I keep coming back to this little phrase. The erring part is no problem for me at all, and the forgiving side, while slightly more problematic, is not usually too difficult (though, as with so much, that depends). It's an interesting word, isn't it? Forgiving. For giving. We can use it in positive and negative senses, to imply that someone is not easily slighted and has no interest in pursuing vendettas, or to intimate that something can cover up our cracks and mistakes: "mmm, yes, cartoons are a much more forgiving medium than watercolours". It's even more emotive than that other dread word, 'sorry', because it's used less.

Forgive and forget. I never understood why we had to both forgive and then forget. If we have already forgiven the other person (or people), then where is the harm in remembering? Unless, of course, we haven't properly forgiven them, or we didn't mean it, or they didn't mean it, or we just used the words to end a particular argument or chapter rather than actually taking stock of the situation and genuinely offering them forgiveness. Will our remembrance then reopen our own little Pandora's box? After all, it can be easier to say the words without feeling the sentiment than to pause, explore our own emotional condition, and then respond honestly, kindly and openly. However, the situation may simply come down to the question, borrowing a phrase from Trollope via Tennant, "can you forgive her?".

Is there a capacity limit on forgiveness, I wonder? Like a Monopoly game, we begin with a certain amount of absolution currency, which we then spend throughout the rest of our lives until the bank refuses to lend us any more. We can receive more 'money' to add to the stock we are allowed to dispense, though this might seem to imply that we should commit more acts which require us to be forgiven, and I'm not sure that any organised religion would necessarily be happy with that. Or do we have a limitless and unbounded reservoir of forgiveness to bestow on others according to our whim, our largesse?

I believe that this all comes down to the dynamics of power. Just as the priest (supposedly) has the power of the spirit of God working through him to absolve me of my sins, provided I am suitably contrite, so too do I have the power to forgive someone who has wronged me by stepping on my foot, stealing my car or breaking my heart. Forgive us our trespasses and those who trespass against us. "I absolve you" in the context of organised religion becomes a "That's okay" in normal conversation; we lose the language of sin – thank goodness – and yet retain the issues of power.

Forgiveness is particularly interesting here because the 'forgiver' is simultaneously the stronger and the weaker: they are in a position of relative power over their friend, relative or partner because they have the ability to grant or deny forgiveness, yet they are the weaker because the other person's act has impacted upon them to such a degree. Likewise the penitent has harmed their own status by their dependency on absolution, yet they are stronger because they have managed to force such an issue, intentionally or otherwise. Short version: no-one wins. And if you think that just chanting a few Hail Marys will sort it all out, then you're luckier than you know.

Don't get me started on leading us not into temptation.

Y is for You
It was always you.

I had been standing outside for at least ten minutes and you were late. I checked the watch my uncle gave me last year, even though I already knew the time. I watched a couple walk past the station, holding hands. Their faces were red from the cold and the man had part of his jacket wrapped around the woman. Their eyes were teary from walking against the wind. A picture of you laughing last February when I pretended to be a matador, flourishing a tablecloth at your charging dog appeared in my head. The woman isn't as pretty as you, but when she smiles at the man before they step into the shop, it turns her from just another person into something more angelic. He let her go first, and then shut the door hastily behind him, as though guiltily. You're still late.

I've met you in many places before: by the tube at Notting Hill, on the corner of Dover Street, in the park at Leicester Square, from Edgware bus station, and you've never arrived on time. When I met you from the bus, you were supposed to have been coming to a completely different station, but you forgot, or you hadn't listened, and I had to get a cab to meet you. My friends thought that you weren't coming at all, but I knew, and knew you'd just been confused. You just stood there and tucked a curl of hair behind your ear while you explained about the ticket prices. I hadn't listened.

You've never liked travelling much. No, that's not fair. You've never liked commuting. When you worked in that architect's office in Green Park, you would always take a different route into work so that you could see different buildings and people each time. I tried to tell you that it was a necessary part of London life to commute, but you flashed your eyes dangerously and asked me to tell you the same story I always told about the first time I was on the Underground. It was your way of getting me to shut up. I fell for it every time. You thought that the tubes were dirty, that the buses were noisy and that trains were smelly. Whenever you said 'smelly', you crinkled your nose and sometimes your glasses slipped down. I called you Miss Jean Brodie, and you'd put on your Maggie Smith voice.

I looked at my watch again, to see that five more minutes had disappeared into the cold. You knew that I hated waiting around, but you also knew that I wouldn't go in without you, so I was stuck. Earlier that day, someone had asked me if I had a photo of you. They had seemed surprised when I said no. I didn't take photographs, I explained, that was your thing. Our holiday pictures were either abstracts or landscapes or details of something interesting or amusing. Occasionally, you would make me stand in front of a monument or street sign, for contrast or context. Only very rarely would you let someone else have your camera to take a picture of the two of us together. I never touched your camera, for fear that when something went wrong, I would be to blame.

When I think of you, I don't think of a place or a photo. I see you standing, wearing your suede jacket and that horrible scarf that you hit me with when I make a rude joke, arms folded across your chest tightly and with one leg slightly crooked. I remember that I read something about how policemen learn to divide their weight between both feet while they are on duty, to ensure that neither leg tires or gets cramp. You always leaned. I don't know whether it was supposed to be coquettish, but you claimed to be able to balance a book on your head the way they do in Swiss finishing schools, so who cared if you slouched just a little bit? I said I loved you, wonky and all, and you hit me with your scarf again.

I can see you coming towards me now. You're wearing gloves, though you always call them mittens, and your glasses are slightly steamed up. I don't recognise the names of the shops emblazoned on the side of the carrier bags you're holding, but I can guess that they're expensive. Perhaps there is something in one of them for me. You've seen me now. You flash a quick smile and raise your eyebrows in half-apology, half-exasperation. I laugh. It was always you.

N is for New Year
Traditionally the time to get rip-roaringly drunk at numerous parties, flitting about the social scene like a gadfly on amphetamines, one particular New Year's Eve stands out in my memory as particularly hilarious and enjoyable. I think it was 1998, but it could have been 1997, and the fact that I can't remember which one further reinforces how good the night was. I was in London and the only other person I knew in London who (a) was my own age, (b) wasn't related to me, (c) would want to go out and get drunk, and (d) didn't have anything better to do, was my best friend and future flatmate, Mike.

Both Mike and I had been, well, if not shafted then certainly let down by several of our friends who had faithfully promised a large party encompassing the entire friendship group, only for them to up sticks and head off to some remote location for a house party only a few miles just outside of Nowhere (take the second left at Where? and then it's the exit just after Never Heard Of It). In our wisdom, we declared that we would register our protest to them (I summarise here) by having the best New Year's Eve known to humankind, all on our tods.

We were poor. Not in the 'licking the cold tar off the streets for dinner, and that was when we were lucky' poor, but nevertheless frugal. As I recall, we had about £15 each, plus a travelcard, with which to plan our fantastic and euphoric night out in good old London town. That's about six pints each and no food. And cheapish pints at that. We weren't going to stay at either of our parents' houses because I think they both had parties on and we couldn't be bothered with that. So, I went round to his and we formulated our plan of attack over several large glasses of cheap Sainsbury's own brand whisky, kindly supplied by Mike's dad, who was marvelling at our resourcefulness. Correction: for 'resourcefulness', read 'desperation'.

Several whiskies down the line (possibly around six-ish, possibly the incredibly late hour of seven), we were sufficiently enthused by the prospects which the evening offered up to us that we decided to head into town. Mike hit upon the genius plan of bringing the aforementioned cheap spirit with us, to 'enliven' our train journey, and so we departed. After standing on the platform for the best part of twenty minutes, smoking most of the few cigarettes we had between us, and finishing off the rest of Sainsbury's finest, the train arrived and we set off. We established that once we got to King's Cross, we should immediately go to Charing Cross, because that would be party central. Why we had decided upon Charing Cross, I have no idea, but at the time it made such glaringly obvious sense that we went, and we went willingly.

Jump cut to Charing Cross Road. We've been in a packed pub and managed to get one drink before deciding that the place was not quite to our liking (the word 'shithole' may or may not have occurred; I leave that to your own sensitivity, gentle reader) and that in order to hear the drummer get wicked, we should get a groove on to another licensed establishment. Most of the places were completely full to the gin-soaked rafters, and so we found ourselves in a room decorated not unlike my grandmother's lounge, above a shop where the 'bar' sold cans of Red Stripe at a reasonable rate between cost price and London rip-off standard. We stayed there, watching the unreliably flickery TV in the corner, until we could see Sir Trevor McDonald by Big Ben as the final seconds of the old year gave way to the hope and freshness of the new. Downing our Red Stripe, we hugged and congratulated each other on making it through to another year, before staggering out and into the street.

Years of conditioning told me that I had better telephone my mother to wish her a happy New Year, drunk though I most inarguably was. I found a payphone, selected some coins from my increasingly diminishing pile of change, and called her. During the brief conversation, a police car pulled up quite near the phone booth and two uniformed officers ran out from the car and into a bar or club, leaving the car doors open. Mike decided that this was the perfect time for a getaway and shouted over to me, "Let's nick the cop car!". Mum then enquired if the clarion voice she had just heard was Mike. Preparing myself for a vociferous denial, Mike then appealed to my kleptomania one more time, "Let's nick it, Mark, Mark, Mark". Hmm. Denial seemed pointless, so after wishing her a happy New Year once more, I ended the call. Needless to say, I managed to dissuade Mike from hijacking the panda car, and we continued into the night.

Mike knew of a 'party' going on somewhere in North London, so we decided that postcodes N and NW were most definitely the place to be. We boarded and ensconced ourselves on a northbound Northern line train and started to read the adverts above the seats opposite. Two of those seats were occupied by a man and a woman, clearly a couple and equally clearly a couple who were far from pleased with one another. As the volume of the their debate rose and rose, so did the conversation level around them fall and fall. This continued throughout the journey, until the station before where we were due to alight. At this station, the girl stood up, turned round to Mike, pointed at him, turned back to her boyfriend and said, incredibly loudly, "Well, I bet at least he can get it up!" and then stepped onto the platform, walking off. Mike immediately turned roughly the colour of the Central line, I burst out into hysterical laughter, the insulted boyfriend began to look daggers at Mike, and the rest of the passengers attempted, with varying success, to conceal or stifle smirks and laughs. At the next station, after utter embarrassed and mystified silence from Mike, we left the train at Finchley Central or Golders Green, I forget which.

We discussed the 'party' we could attend, the direction we would need to take, the impossibility yet remaining desirability of getting a cab there, the lack of alcohol situation, the lack of cigarettes situation and how bloody freezing it was. After walking along for about ten minutes, we came across a solution to one, maybe two, of these problems: a shopping trolley. How our drunken eyes lit up; even recalling it now, the combination of a hill and a shopping trolley reminds me of the mini-epiphany we experienced. And so, yes of course, we took it in turns to push each other down the hill, past several taxis and police cars, shouting "Happy New Year" to all and sundry, until we came close to the block of flats where the 'party' was due to be in full swing.

We made it into Someone's flat, met a few of his friends, including a particular girl to whom Mike takes an instant fancy. I ended up in the kitchen with a bottle of red wine while Mike wanders around the living room, listening to bands I've never heard about and conversing with our host about guitars and, ahem, 'jazz salt'. A few hours later and Mike's prospective squeeze was lying face down in the corridor, asleep after having copiously and loudly thrown up in the bathroom. Mike was still talking with the host about guitars, and I was still in the kitchen, proceeding smoothly with my second bottle of red wine and talking to two girls about why, exactly, their boyfriends (absent from the 'party') are bastards.

Eventually we decided that we had been there long enough and lurched downstairs in an attempt to get back to Mike's house and crash. A bus duly arrived, we shook out the remainder of our change and discovered we had just enough to get back. The bus journey passed slowly and silently. The after-effects of two bottles of red wine on top of cheap whisky and cheap lager were beginning to kick in at this point, combined with lack of sleep and the drainage of all my emotional energy from providing relationship advice (it's a habit when drunk; I think I can sort out the world) to two drunken girls. We clambered off the bus near Southgate and began the walk back.

And that's when it happened. Mike put his key in the door, we walked in quietly and saw that at around 8.00am, Mike's mother and father were up and about the house, making coffee. His mother took one look at the two of us and immediately moved into shepherd mode. We were given towels and pointed in the direction of the two bathrooms with orders not to return to the kitchen until we had shaved and showered. We were drunk, tired and drunk. We obeyed. Upon returning to the kitchen, we found that a full fried breakfast had been prepared and was steaming on the plates. Hallelujah! We ate silently, stole some of her cigarettes to have with the coffee, and then I went to the spare room and slept for what seemed like an entire year.

Not the most exotic of New Year's Eves, I grant you. I've done more exciting things, been to better parties, had great times, had terrible times (in which I was the w@nker, but I'm not telling you about it), gone out with more people to celebrate, but for the sheer force of will that led Mike and I to believe – to know – that we would have an amazing night, it has hardly been bettered. I laughed so much throughout the entire evening and morning that I still remember it as the best New Year's night ever.

H is for History
Past imperfect is future conditional. You have no history. Neither do I. We form a tabula rasa, to be written upon with a script that we define and refine for ourselves, between us. Before you, there was void. Before me, there was nothingness. In the beginning, there was not the Word. This is the beginning, this perfect now. Whatever has gone before has not. We are the alpha.

If only.

When we meet up with somebody, we are not just ourselves. We bring with us a combination of traits developed over time, and developed through our interaction with former partners. Of course, we have had the choice of whether we integrate characteristics that ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends have elicited, but with each new relationship we are bringing baggage (both positive and negative) with us. How much of that baggage gets used is entirely our choice, but it is definitely there.

Amy disapproved of eating dinner when the radio was on, so I won't do that. Beatrice liked it when I played with her earlobes, so I will do that. Clara preferred to sleep on the right side of the bed, so I will remember that.

I will continue these former habits to see whether they are to be continued. I will also learn new habits, which in turn will brought onward in future relationships, adding to the memory store. We bring this history with us, and our techniques (whether social or sexual or any other) are the product of a constantly refined catalogue of experiences, modified over the course of different emotional situations. We may currently be seeing Diane, but we are bringing habits learned with Amy, Beatrice and Clara with us.

Of course, such preconditioned behaviour only really occurs when we are at the beginning of something new, and only lasts until we become more secure and have developed our own private world with the other person. It remains in our memory, however, but it is subsumed by our newer desires to please and to respond to our current partner.

Running parallel to our own use of our history is a desire not to know about the other person's history. There can be a little voice in everyone and anyone's head saying "shhh" when the other is speaking of their former relationships. A matter of perspective, most certainly, but an area where agreeing to disagree is often the worst option: "Why are you reminiscing about past partners when I am with you now?" is the question, mostly unasked.

For those not entirely secure in the new relationship, this awareness of the other's history is unsettling. Seeing a past lover's photograph in a bedside frame, seeing an ex's name in an address book or whatever other seemingly insignificant reminder can prompt questions of commitment, of former love not entirely extinguished, of current love not entirely committed.

There is also an urge for lack of knowledge about the future. We are not 'we'. I don't want to know when you will next become a 'we', because our present 'we' will then become my nostalgia. Until the tears dry and the cuts mend, I need the bliss of ignorance. When I have insulated myself sufficiently from the fires that once raged, then I can listen and I can laugh and I can learn. Until that point, I still need to hear your heart beat for me.

And then we become history to them and they to us, awaiting a mature distance and eventually subject to romantic revisionism. Unless … unless we decide to pack away our textbooks and rewrite history. Your time starts now.

R is for Revealing
Although I consider myself to be a fairly honest and open person, I would also say that I am fairly private (though possibly not here). I don't particularly like to act out dramas in public places. Arguments are meant to be held in rooms with closed doors and no-one else present, not in a crowded pub on a Saturday. Issues are meant to be resolved between the concerned parties, not with an audience of thousands. News is meant to be imparted quietly and individually, not loudly and to all and sundry. Honesty in communication is fair and fine, but would you prefer to hear something important or hurtful from your partner around a suddenly-silent dinner table occupied by all your friends, or in the privacy of your flat? I choose the latter.

I know people who prefer to exist in public, however. Some people just can't be on their own. Their financial lives, their comings and goings, their relationships, their ups and downs, these are all subjects for common discussion; an article in today's newspaper which can be read by whoever sits down and turns the pages. Nothing is kept back, nothing is held within. Often without prompting or questioning, the entirety of a person's emotional life can be examined, dissected, analysed and historicised over a drink or two without any sense of self-absorption, irony or awareness. I find this too much; a form of mental barrage which doesn't allow me to choose what I know and doesn't allow me to pause and strain for air.

It's the attention-seeking element I find most irritating. For some people, there is the implication that the trials and travails of their everyday meanderings are so endlessly riveting and engaging that you simply have to hear them, at length, in detail. Perhaps it's some kind of performance:

You're so flamboyant
The way you live, and it's not even demeaning
You're so flamboyant
It's like a drug you use to give your life meaning
You're so flamboyant
The way you look, it gets you so much attention
Your sole employment is getting more
You want police intervention

Every actor needs an audience
Every action is a performance
It all takes courage, you know it
Just crossing the street
Well, it's almost heroic
You're so flamboyant

At worst, you feel constricted by their relentlessness and claustrophobic. At best, you can simply dismiss them as a drama queen; the person who makes a paper cut sound like fighting in the Somme, whose last argument about the washing-up with their boyfriend is comparable to Shakespearian tragedy. It could be because they wish to make their lives seem more dramatic, it could be that they naturally exaggerate (for comic effect or for conversational dominance), it could be because they genuinely believe themselves to be far more interesting than anyone else around them. I don't know. I do know that this devalues their currency: not so much the boy crying 'Wolf!', more the boy crying 'Me! Me! Me!'.

I confess to feeling conflicted about my difficulty here – I've certainly shared more than I probably should have shared in this medium, but the key qualifier is that I've been able to select what I do and what I don't want to write. Perhaps some of it has been inappropriate. Perhaps some of it has been regarded by others as too personal. Yet I feel comfortable writing it because I acknowledge that there is much more which could be written and hasn't, because those are the situations or feelings I don't feel comfortable about sharing. And so I've kept them for me, or for discussion with a small number of incredibly close friends.

I suppose it's the imposition of every facet of someone's life and their feelings and problems onto me without my permission which bothers me. Advice? I'm perfectly prepared to give it, if you believe that I can help. Shoulder to cry on? I have two, choose the one you prefer. A helping hand out of trouble? Ask, and whatever I can do, I'll do. Washing over me with a deluge of issues without asking? Sorry, you've got the wrong man. I don't think this is selfish; we all have too much going on in our own minds and hearts to be able to carry an endless capacity of empathy and counselling for everyone who crosses our path. And the enforced outpouring of drama queens, attention-seekers and (im)posers only serves to dilute the efforts I can give to my true friends. And, of course, to my own problems.

Commentary
I heartily recommend you to buy the PopArt DVD, not only for the fantastic videos (all 41 of them) but also for the hilarious commentary. Quick extract:

Chris: There's me rowing, of course.
Neil: Well, obviously. Like I could row.

Go. Buy. Watch. Enjoy.

Lack of planning
Had I thought about this more carefully, Alphabet Soup would have ended today. 26 letters today, 26 years old today. However, with true Londonmark chaos, I didn't think that far ahead. Oh well. Slainté.

V is for Vignettes
Richard • Susie • Nicky • Alexa • Tom • Kevin • Esther • Christian • Sophie

Richard

Lal is standing at a pelican crossing with his older brother, Richard.

"Richard, do you know why they call them pelican crossings?"
"No."

Richard isn't really interested. Nick is trying to get to the train station on time to meet his girlfriend from the 2.47 train. He resents having to bring his brother to the station with him because he knows that Lal will only slow him up, and he’s supposed to go and have a coffee and a talk with her. He hates these little “chats”.

"They're not named after pelic-ANs, they're actually called pelic-ON crossings. They're an acronym."
"You mean an abbreviation."
"Whatever. It stands for Pedestrian Light Controlled crossings. They've nothing to do with the birds."
"Mmmnnn."

Lal could never understand why Richard didn't seem to care about these things. Richard very rarely listened to everything he said, anyway, so there didn't seem much point in going further. But the traffic was still flowing along the road, so he continued.

"It's a bit like a heron crossing."
"Yeah."
"Because that's an acronym as well."
"You mean an abbreviation."
"No, an acronym."

Richard sighed, a familiar sound.

"Well, what does it stand for?"
"Er, Helpful Emergency Road Over … N … nnn … "
"Thanks, Lal."

Richard began to stride over the crossing, spotting some breaks in the streams of cars. Only when nearly halfway across did he realise that Lal was still standing on the pavement.

Damn, he thought to himself, then shouted, "Come on, Lal, we're going to be late."

Lal paused in his search for the 'N' of HERON and wandered across the road, narrowly avoiding a faded yellow VW Golf, whose driver slammed on the brakes and hit heavily at the car horn. Oh well, Lal thought, I suppose it doesn't matter anyway.

Susie

Susie had been waiting for weeks to get an appointment with her so-called career advisor. She had signed on with several agencies but none of them had been able to come up with anything remotely challenging or relevant for her. Ranston Kerr had been one of the few agencies that even sounded interested in finding the right work for her. And so she had waited. And waited. And then a phone call came while she was at the hairdressers of all places. Seeing a missed call on her mobile – and how much had the bill been last month? – she called back after Toni and Guy had charged her the best part of eighty pounds for making her look exactly as she had looked two months ago. Deborah ("not Debbie, dear, if you please") at Ranston Kerr had invited her in for a placement interview. At long last.

It had all seemed so easy at college. You turn up to some of the lectures, you do the amount of work which doesn't interfere with your social life, you collect a piece of paper with your name which says that you haven't spent the last three years in prison but rather have been holed up in libraries, clubs, third-rate student houses and lecture halls filled with cheap furniture. You then go out into the world and get a nice job. After a year or two, you either get a nice big bonus, a nice big promotion or change job in order to get both. Except Susie hadn't found a job when she left. And nine months later, and most of her savings gone, she still had a certificate, a fortnightly jobseekers appointment and no job.

So now she sat in her car, wearing her best suit and a shirt that an ex had bought her a few birthdays back. Her hair tied back, she had decided in the bath that morning that minimal makeup was best: businesslike, efficient, down to earth; not some flirty receptionist who would file her nails all day, but rather a woman who could get the job done. Her eyes flicked over to the rear-view mirror every few seconds to practice appropriate facial expressions. Interested. Concerned. Amused. Attentive. Thoughtful. Yes, they were all appropriate. Glancing back to the road ahead, she noticed that she was only a few feet away from some studenty type in a battered leather jacket who was crossing against the lights. She hit the brake pedal and rammed the heel of her hand into the car horn. Bloody idiot, she thought.

A few streets further on, and she was glancing around for a parking space. All residential. Typical. If you didn't have at least fifteen different permits and a letter signed by God, the Queen and Santa, there seemed little chance of being able to leave your car somewhere for half an hour without being clamped. Eventually she found a space, parked and got out of the car. Opening up the back door, Susie retrieved her handbag and her attaché case. Businesslike. Efficient. Collected. Walking into Ranston Kerr's smaller branch office, she had the door held open for her by what she thought was a rather bright, attractive young man. Beaming a smile and thanking him, she walked confidently up to the reception desk. Well, it's show time.

Nicky

Nicky had been through about eight temping jobs in the last month, all office work. It wasn't that he was lazy or useless, or even that he couldn't fit in (if he tried), it was just that his heart wasn't really in it. His heart hadn't been really anywhere since Laura had left. He was still looking for a new flatmate and had idly wondered whether he should move into Laura's room – no, the big bedroom, I've got to start calling it that.

The living room looked bare now that she had taken her pictures. It's always the things you didn't notice. Who would have thought that one woman could own so many cushions, or how uncomfortable the self-assembly sofa would be without them? The room even seemed smaller now that the big mirror had been taken down from the far wall, one of the purchases from the junk shops which Laura had dragged Nicky around on Sunday afternoons in nearly trendy parts of London.

Perhaps he should just quit work for a bit and work out what he was doing. Nicky shook his head at his reflection in the agency window as he left, walking past a smartly-dressed woman coming in. She's pretty, he thought, she does her hair just like Laura. Annoyed with himself at using her as a constant reference point, he tried to clear his mind and concentrate on where he was going. I haven't got any work until Monday, so that leaves two days and the weekend to work out what I'm going to do, he instructed himself, and I'm going to have to borrow some money from Mum.

Before he realised where he was going, he discovered himself walking along the small and overpriced shopping arcade which had been his usual shortcut to Laura's shop. I suppose I could just pop in and say hello. I mean, we've got to be adults about the whole thing. He wasn't even convincing himself. Oh, I could tell her that she's left some of her clothes in that washing basket that we never used, she'll want to come round and pick them up. Yes, much better. He remembered, sadly and a little overdramatically, the days when he didn't need a reason to speak to her.

He walked into the shop, trying to look casual, but couldn't see her. Her colleague, Anja, was behind the counter instead.

"Is Laura working?"
"No, she's had to go to her parents. One of them's ill."
"Oh. Oh dear. I'll give her a call then. How are you?"
"Okay, you know."
"Right. Well, see you."

Perhaps he should call. But then it might be insensitive, if one of her parents were ill. Maybe tomorrow.

Alexa

Alexa watches as a nervous-looking guy in an ill-fitting suit leaves the shop, then looks over at the girl behind the counter. Lovers’ tiff, she wonders, or maybe she'd given him some bad news. It was always exciting to try and work out people's lives from how they looked. She thought he looked a bit like he did one of those boring jobs like an accountant or some other nine-to-five thing. I bet he's got a safe little mousy girlfriend tucked away in a flat in Clapham, and that they go home every night to watch TV and eat dinners for two. They met at school, went to the same university and then decided that they'd live together forever and ever, and he goes over to her dad's at the weekend to talk about cars and DIY and football while she does the ironing and watches romantic black-and-white films on video.

Satisfied with her complete character assassination of a man she has never met, Alexa returns her attention to the clothes rack in front of her. I've got thirty quid and I'm going to spend it, she determines. She looks at the vest tops, the skirts, the scarves, the jumpers and every accessory under the sun and realises that she has no idea what she actually wants, other than to spend the money. Running her fingers down one of the embroidered lace scarves, feeling the bumps and the patterns on the hems, she wonders whether she should forget the thirty pounds, and put a pair of shoes on her credit card instead.

But then I'm supposed to be buying something for the party on Saturday. Damn. She checks her watch, thinking that she has about twenty minutes of her late lunch break left, to find out that she has about ten minutes instead. Damn. She picks up the lace scarf, takes it over to the counter and buys it. The girl behind the counter seems to be on a different planet. Alexa thinks twice about asking her whether the nervous man was her boyfriend and instead just leaves the shop, returning to work.

"Hey, Tom!" she shouts across the street as she sees a colleague walking into the entrance hall of their building, "Wait up!". She likes Tom because unlike the other young men on her floor, he doesn’t keep hitting on her. She suspects that he is gay and has absolutely no justification or evidence for that suspicion, other than her instinct and the fact that if he isn’t hitting on her then he must be at least a little bit gay. But then she remembers she likes the fact that he’s friendly without being flirty and that he actually listens to what she says, rather than staring at the few inches of flat stomach showing between her belt and her shortish top, like all the other blokes do. Perhaps I'll ask him to the party, she considers, he might like that.

Tom

Oh God, here she comes. Tom waved in a manner which he thought unenthusiastic but which was probably wasted on Alexa.

"Hi, Alexa. Um, been shopping?"
"Oh yeah. Couldn't see anything I wanted, but I bought something anyway, to cheer me up."
"Cheer you up? Why, what are you down about?"
"Oh, nothing really. You know, retail therapy."
"Right, yes."

Does she actually know that there are words coming out of her mouth to form sentences, Tom thought, or is it all just one stream of consciousness without purpose or meaning? I've got to stop thinking like this, otherwise I'm just going to blurt something out to her. He tugged at the end of his tie without meaning to, and started to fuss with his cuffs. They continued walking through the atrium and straight into the lift – which was there and waiting, miraculously. He heard Alexa speaking and reluctantly dragged his attention back to her.

" … so I was thinking that you might come along."
"Sorry, come to what?"
"My sister's new flatmate is having a party on Saturday. It's a sort of housewarming, but I've been there before because my sister lives there, otherwise what kind of sister would I be, hahahaha, but no, it's her new friend's, well flatmate's, I don't know if they're friends yet, well, it's her party and I wondered if you wanted to come along."
"Right, erm, Saturday?"
"Yeah, this Saturday."
"Thanks. I'll check and see if I'm free, but thanks for inviting me. Can I let you know a bit later?"
"Uh-huh."

A party? With Alexa? Was she just asking him to a party or was this some typically hamfisted way of asking him on a date? I mean, she's nice enough in a bland sort of way but I'm really just not attracted to her at all. Perhaps that's it. I'm one of the few eligible males on our floor that doesn't bow and scrape and hang on her every word, so she reckons that I must be worthwhile. Tom tried to keep the little smile off his lips, only marginally failing to do so.

They left the lift together, Tom nearly walking straight into the delivery guy from the coffee shop. Thank goodness his coffee tray is empty, Tom thought, otherwise it would have gone all over me and I’d have ruined this tie. He looked over at Alexa. I suppose I’ll have to go to this party, then.

Kevin

Kevin has been saving up diligently for four months now. He doesn’t earn much working in the coffee shop – barista? you must be joking; lackey, more like – but he’s been setting aside as much as he can so that he can jack it all in and go travelling for as long as he can afford to. He’s been reading the Rough Guide to Mexico on the bus each day and can’t wait to get to Oaxaca. It’ll make a change from all this, he thinks, to walk in the footsteps of Cortez. He looks out of the lift as it descends through the office building. All these bloody suits pushing papers around, as though any of it matters.

Crossing the road, he tries to remember some of the things he read about this morning, but can only recall a few fragments: Zapotecs, Juárez, Nueva España. They don't make an awful lot of sense to him. Kevin reflects ruefully that he should probably have gone to university. His two A level grades were good enough, but he was young and didn't want to spend another three years in some place where they tell you not to run in the corridors, and where everything came back marked 'must try harder'. My one regret in life, he says to himself as he walks back to the coffee shop to pick up his parka and go home, it's my one regret in life.

And so Kevin is going to broaden his mind by travelling. I'm going to travel on the Golden Road to Samarkand. Kevin only knows this because it was in a Rumpole of the Bailey book which his mum bought him at the church bazaar one Christmas, but he likes the sound of it. A road paved with gold, just imagine it in the sunshine. He gets to his coffee bar, walks behind the counter and into the dingy back room which Enzio euphemistically calls the 'staff room', picks up his parka and shrugs it on, then leaves, heading for his bus stop. Another day, another shiny coin glinting in the sunlight and paving his way towards that road.

Standing at the bus shelter, rolling a cigarette – though economising, Kevin couldn't quite fully give up cigarettes, so he compromised and moved onto rollies instead – he looks at the bus map of London and sees a yellow-coloured line. The golden road! Following the line down on the spider map, he sees that far from leading to Samarkand, the number 68 instead terminates at Norwood. I've got to get out of London, he thinks. The bus arrives and he waits behind a woman buying her ticket before he can flash his bus pass at the driver and, passing her, sit down. He gazes, mouth slightly open, at the road outside. Imagine. A bus pass for the golden road. The bus moves off.

Esther

It's been a rough few months for Esther, but she's a survivor. That's what her mother, God rest her soul, always used to tell her after a brandy too many: "Essie, my girl, you're one of life's survivors. Nothing'll get you down." God only knows how I've been tested, but I've come through, and that's an end to that. Esther sits heavily in her seat next to some simpleton gawping out the window, and begins to count her change. She holds her bus ticket as though it will explode at any minute. And that's an end to that.

She thinks for a moment about her son, living in sin with that woman in Ladbroke Grove. I suppose it's my fault that I didn't rear him better. I never much liked that gang he went around with, and I should have put my foot down. Kenny could have said something to the boy. She snorts with derision. Since when did Kenny ever raise his voice to the lad? He thinks that the sun shines out of Michael's arse, he does. I'll say that he's a fine, hard-working man and a good husband, but Kenny was never one for the discipline, wrapped around Michael's little finger as he was. Esther shifts one of her shopping bags.

Esther remembers when she was a little girl and her mother used to take her around the market, pointing at the fruit and vegetables and playing at the fabric stall. She used to take the little swatches of red and green and lilac satins and silks and tie them around her head with ribbons, pretending to be a fine lady from olden times. If her mother had been paid that week, she could pick some of the ribbons and some of the cut-offs from the fabric rolls and take them home to sew for her doll. There had never been a doll as well-dressed as little Esther's. After the market, her mother would take her to the Cubitt Arms. She'd have a lemonade and would be allowed to order her mother's port and lemon. She would stretch up over the high bar and hand the money to the landlord, who called her 'princess' and would give her a bag of crisps and tell her not to tell anyone else.

The bus rolls to a stop and waits while people step out into the street. Esther looks out and realises it's her stop. The doors are closing but she jabs at the bell and shouts down to the bus driver. Although he's just about to move off, he opens the back doors and waits for her to go. The bus has missed its spot in the traffic and is just idling, trying to cut into the onrush. Esther readjusts the big handbag on her shoulder, checking that she's zipped it up safely, and starts to walk home. She passes the front of the bus and gives the driver a little wave.

Christian

Just look at this bloody traffic. They're like fire-ants swarming across a picnic blanket. Christian has lived in London for two years now and he's as homesick as the day he first arrived. It's the people, he thinks, then chides himself for being unfair. Okay, okay, not all the people, just the ones I don't know. He laughs to himself at the ridiculousness of what he's just thought but stops abruptly when he sees the lady outside waving to him. He gives a wave in return and, spying a gap in the cars coming up, starts to ease the bus out into the main road.

I could have been a contender, he muses, I could have been somebody. Is there any point in being ironic to myself? I'm the only one who can hear my thoughts and still I'm trying to be funny. Hmmm. I mean it though, I really could have been whatever I wanted and not just a bloody bus driver. Christian, though frustrated at himself, is nevertheless one of life's referees and immediately regrets putting down his not-quite-chosen profession. There's nothing wrong with being a bus driver, of course, I just hoped for something … else.

Though half-English and half-Scottish, Christian was born in Auckland and spent most of his life there, before being bored out of his mind and travelling over to the UK. He goes through his usual London list: I don't mind the city, I don't mind the weather, I don't mind the people, I don't mind the culture. I just mind what I do. I'm stuck.

He makes a mental note to speak to his housemate when she returns from her week away. She’ll be able to help me, she’s good at that sort of thing, a really good listener. Christian very much likes his housemate Sophie. Although they’re not in a relationship, they’ve had a few little flings when one or the other of them has been lonely, or drunk, or just in the mood. Christian hasn’t met her boyfriend and doesn’t really want to. It’s best this way, no commitment. Nothing long term.

The mobile phone in his top pocket buzzes twice. He waits until he’s pulled into the next stop and then reads the new text message. Speak of the devil – it’s Sophie, telling him that she’s cut her trip short and is returning today. Great, he thinks. I’ll talk to her tonight. She’s good at that sort of thing.

Sophie

As the refreshments trolley rumbles and totters its way through the carriage, Sophie debates whether to have some terrible coffee, some terrible tea or not to bother at all.

“Excuse me, could I get a cup of coffee please?”
“Certainly.”

Nursing the small, scalding hot cup of tasteless coffee, Sophie stares out of the window and works on her lines. This will take some working out, she reflects, and she considers what she will say. Her boyfriend agreed that he would meet her at the station, so she doesn’t have much longer to think through how she can approach the subject.

I think it’s best for both of us if we don’t continue to see each other. No, too wordy. I’m leaving you. No, too melodramatic. I’m seeing someone else. No, too harsh. It’s not you, it’s me. No, too clichéd, I’ll start to laugh. I don’t think we’re going anywhere. No, too open to argument. The shapes of the houses and their back gardens flashing past the window are not helping Sophie work out what she’s going to say. Clothes lines, toy tricycles and brick barbecues. Wheelie bins and metal cans. Abandoned Sainsbury’s shopping trolleys on their sides. No help at all.

It’s only been a few months, she tells herself, and it’s not as though we were going to be together forever. And it’s not as though we were exclusive. Even as she thinks it, she knows that this is something which she can’t tell him. He’s sweet, but too naïve. Too trusting. Too English. The train is now pulling into the station. I haven’t thought of a thing. I suppose I should tell him the whole thing, but I know he’ll be hurt, and I don’t want to hurt him. I just don’t want this to carry on. The train is stopping. She gathers her bag and suitcase and leaves the train.

Sophie looks through all the passengers walking down the platform and strains to look over at the gates into the main station. She then sees who she’s looking for and walks over, dragging her small suitcase on its wheels.

“Richard, we should talk.”

E is for Elton John
I have a confession to make. You're not going to like it. It was a moment of weakness while browsing through the shop. I'm not proud of it, okay, I was young, I was innocent. Well, young anyway. Right. Deep breath. I've bought the Elton John Greatest Hits album. And it's got some bloody awful collaboration with Blue on it. I quote from one Amazon reviewer: "this is the best mothers day present i gave my mum its got all his ace old songs and his new ones wicked albumn easy to get addicted to the voice of this musical lord". Oh, what have I done? Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

This connects with a conversation held with my friends T, C and A two weekends ago. We had been watching Pop Idol when the contestants were covering Elton John songs. Stop, stop, stop. This just gets worse, doesn't it? Right. Explanations. We were watching Pop Idol specifically because some of the contestants had been in our local pub during the week and had been sitting at the other end of our table. C, L and E had been chatting with, erm, some of the girls (let me just quickly check their names and I'll get back to you; right, they were Michelle, Kim and Susanne) and T and I had a quick conversation with Mark, who I am pleased to report is a very nice chap indeed and who I now want to win.

I hadn't watched an episode of Pop Idol before and so decided at the weekend to tune in, just to see whether they really were on TV or whether it was some elaborate form of wind-up. And there they were. Crikey. They were all standing around a piano and in walks Elton John. 'Media whore' was my first thought, I must admit, until I realised that they were all covering his songs and he had come in to their rehearsal room just to hear how badly they were murdering them. And, well, some of them were okay and some of them weren't. You probably saw.

So, that's why I was watching it. Afterwards, the four of us were walking into Camden and discussing the various performances and the songs which they had chosen. I was telling them that in Victoria Plaza, which I walk through every morning, they have video screens which show pop videos and that they have been playing Are You Ready For Love? on constant rotation for the past couple of weeks, to the extent that it has now seeped into my brain without me realising. I then took the bold and credibility-shattering step of admitting that I actually really liked the song anyway, so I didn't mind at all.

Pause. Silence. Cue foot-shuffling, askance looks, humming, hawwing and general throat-clearing. Then C admitted that there were a few Elton John songs that she quite liked as well. A followed suit, as even T confessed that one or two of the songs were quite good. I suddenly realised how all the Cambridge spies must have felt when they all met up and revealed that they were all working for Moscow, not MI6. In fact, we established how guilty conversations about Elton John work when you're in cool rock, indie, obscure-unsigned-bands-are-always-better Camden:

I don't like Elton John.
Me neither.
Well, I don't really like Elton John.
Yuh-huh.
Except for Rocket Man.
Oh, and I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues.
And Are You Ready For Love?
He's written quite a lot, hasn't he?
Yeah.
Camp as a row of pink tents at a pride festival, though.
Definitely.
Oh, Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting is pretty good too.
Bugger it, I like them all.
Yeah, me too.
Except Candle In The Wind 97.
Of course.
Just don't tell anyone.
Okay.

And thus, I have a message for you. There is nothing wrong with secretly liking Elton John's music, provided that you keep this fact to yourself, a few close and trusted friends and don't tell any musos you may know. Many people sing along to his songs when they are alone in their car or when everyone else has left the flat. Check any friend's record collection and look for the CD which doesn't have an inlay card or where the spine is blank. I'll bet that it's an Elton John disc. Some of the people you most admire, respect or love will know all the words to Sacrifice. I've come clean and admitted it, so you can feel a little bit better about yourself. It's okay, it's going to be fine. Just breathe slowly.

For those of you who are currently despairing, please rest assured that we slagged off Bernie Taupin something rotten, just to balance matters. Thank goodness that Pop Art Mix turns up this time next week. What's that? Eh? Oh.

U is for Unasked
There is a value placed on spontaneous statements or actions. A present given for no reason other than the person feels like giving you a present. A compliment apropos of nothing. A message of endearment from out of the blue. A text message unrelated to anything you have been discussing, anything you've been doing or anywhere you've been, simply stating "I love you". These things make us feel better about ourselves because they imply that not only have we entered into someone's thoughts for however brief a moment, but also that we are sufficiently motivating to that other person that they have acted upon the thought of us. To put it another way, we are worthy of spending time or money for no good reason other than the fact that we are ourselves. To put it yet another way, we are loved.

You may well agree with some of Camden's finest and most jumpsuited of musical denizens, The Darkness, in their lead singer's assertion that "I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart". Alternatively, you may not. Though the unexamined life may not be worth living, unasked offerings and thoughts are definitely worth living for. As I've explored before, we sometimes feel as though we shouldn't have to ask for things, whether it is because we feel that we deserve them, we feel that the other person should already know our desires, or simply that in certain situations we always opt for the same choice. However we feel about the necessity of requesting, the surprise and excitement generated by a selfless and impromptu gift will generally bring a smile.

Receiving things without having to ask for them reinforces our sense that we belong. It can be simultaneously negative and positive: at my local, some barmen start pouring my drink the moment I walk through the door because they know exactly what I always have. This is both good – because (a) it saves me having to order it, (b) I avoid having to queue or wait, (c) it implies a state of establishment within that particular establishment – and bad – because (a) I might want to change my order, (b) it shows that I spend far too much time (and money) there, (c) people who have been waiting for ages will probably get a little bit hacked off that I can just saunter in and get my drink immediately. Even as trivial an example as being a regular in a pub reflects our perceptions of what we should and should not need to say.

We may also tell others that they don't need to ask for things. If a friend is low on money when I am relatively affluent (an unlikely situation, but bear with me), then I might tell them that they can help themselves to cigarettes: "Don't ask, just take one". I do this to help him/her out, because I understand that a pint without a cigarette is like a single stick of Twix: not quite satisfying enough, and slightly unnatural. I also do this partially because I hate the repetition of people interrupting the flow of conversation with a half-embarrassed, half-whispered "Sorry, mate, but …" periodically. Not quite at the 'stop rabbiting about the housekeeping, let us talk of international affairs of importance' level, but nonetheless a factor. I suppose that, if I were to analyse the situation incredibly poorly, it's a sign of openness and even trust at some level.

Ultimately, I suppose that it is a sign of intimacy. We are somehow stating that we are close enough to someone that we don't need to ask them for something, or that we don't need a reason to give them something, because our lives are intertwined with theirs to the degree that motivation and verbal exchanges won't be questioned: we give simply because the other person is on our mind, because they are important to us, because we can.

T is for Truth
It's hard to tell the truth. From when you are a child and your father wants to know why there are pieces of a broken vase all over the carpet up to the point when you have to respond to an accusation of cheating at work, at play or on your partner, the easier option always seems to choose lies. And don't lie to yourself as you read this either: you've told a lie and you've been caught. You've faced this choice as well and you've picked the wrong option.

You've thought to yourself that perhaps you won't get caught (or get caught this time), that it was easier on the other person, or easier on yourself in those particular circumstances, if you told a little white lie. You've weighed up the pros and cons and thrown them aside to serve your own needs best. We have all done it and, on the balance of probability, most of us will do it again.

It's hard to tell the truth. It's hard to prepare yourself for whatever castigation you have deserved. It's not hard to regret what you've done, it's not hard to mean it when you say sorry, it's not hard to promise never to behave in such a way again. It's hard to put yourself into that position, to find that the entire affair has unravelled in front of both you and someone whose feelings and opinion you respect.

It's hard to see the look in their eyes when you realise that you have disappointed them, that their faith in you has been fractured, that you are not the person they thought you were. It's hard to admit to yourself that the carefully constructed network of mistruths, untruths, faintly-veiled ambiguities and omissions has all come crushing down and is pointing at you as its originator. And it's your fault.

It's hard to tell the truth. It's hard to accept that your judgement was accidentally or deliberately skewed to the point where the only way out was to pervert, invent, deny or rationalise away your decisions by creating a fiction, which then has to be maintained and nurtured by further fictions.

It's hard to realise that at any point the foundations of your story or of the life you are living are made of tissue and can be destroyed in an instant; that you are acting out an invention of your own making, a self-perpetuating other existence whereby every motivation, every moment must be explainable, consistent with the other inventions you have brought to others.

It's hard to face the truth. It's hard to accept something you don't want to hear, something that can strike at you with the speed of pain. It's hard to listen to the words forming, the concepts being slowly coloured in, the details added to the rough draft, eventually coagulating to shape a reality you never knew could exist.

The act you thought the other person could never ever commit, their underlying principles, their character, their intimations, all the things that had been said over shared coffees, between lovemaking, as jokes about others, all these were just words, but they've now harshly changed your mind into reverse gear.

It's hard to face the truth. It's hard to regard all your memories and feelings as so much evidence, to be sifted through with the precision of the detective, with the detachment of the coroner, with the impartiality of the judge. A knowing glance becomes a look of betrayal, every moment of unaccounted time becomes a conviction and, looking back over every act becomes a form of lie in itself, separate from the committal of the principal lie.

It's hard to wonder what else was left unsaid, who else has been told before you, when else they have provided explanations that might possibly be subjected to this new view, this fresh and yet rancid perspective. Every statement becomes a falsehood, and every tint and hue of the spectrum becomes a shade of grey.

It's hard to face the truth. It's hard to acknowledge that you've been duped, that the gift of faith which you have bestowed upon somebody has been treated as though it were an unwanted Christmas present, to be glanced at once and then left in an attic, to gather dust slowly over the months and years.

It's hard to realise that you have depended upon somebody so much and so badly that you have blinded yourself to any other option, placing not only all your emotions but all your spirit within their power, to have those priceless emeralds scattered about like so much chaff. It's hard to stand up to the cold hard truth that truths were lies.

And I will believe every word, every act, every sentence if you tell me. Because I will gladly put myself into that place, believing that the day will never come when you would say that you didn't tell the truth. I will believe that I will never have to face a lie. I will believe this because I am who I am and you are who you are. And for me this place, this moment, this now, this day is true.

C is for Confusion
Ever get that feeling that you don't know exactly what's going on? Ever have that nagging voice at the back of your head which indicates that the sum total of your knowledge at this point, right now, right here, is not exactly up to par with everyone around you? Ever have a sneaky little suspicion that you only have part of the story in your head? Hmm. Thought so. You're confused too. I've just been in a work meeting where the sentence "pro-actively leverage cross-functional skill sets" occurred. It occurred as a joke, but it still occurred. That, to me, is confusing.

I get the impression that I live in a semi-permanent state of confusion, seemingly always missing out on the one line of dialogue which would make the entire conversation make sense. Recently, it's been happening a lot. I've been getting the wrong end of the stick or, on some occasions, completely missing the stick entirely and even getting hold of a different stick. And boy, do I get stick for that. I mean, I get different stick from the one whose wrong end I have already got, or not, as the case may be. Sticky, eh? Is it that I am just getting the usual November stupidity virus (caught just as easily as a cold, but a lot harder to get rid of) or is it something far more fundamental?

Everyone has a different reason for disliking confusion (if, indeed, they dislike it at all). For some their minds can be likened to their office, where they can't bear the confused clutter of mental scribblings spread out haphazardly: the teeming ashtray of uncertainty, the half-full coffee cup of doubt or the unemptied wastepaper baskets of our feelings. Perhaps others don't like to admit to 'not knowing'; it's a weakness in their intellectual armour. Others again may embrace and encourage the confusion around them as reassurance of their own certainty. And others too may find that they way they live is constantly shifting, and it would be nice to have a few fixed points in the sky, so they can steer the ship safely.

Confusion is, I believe, a fairly natural state. We can't all be experts on everything all the time and thus certain situations, instructions or eventualities are bound to leave us feeling a little out of our depth. Starting a new job is the perfect example: we need to take copious notes, familiarise ourselves with our surroundings, get to know the new people, try to understand the new procedures and processes, remember all the little foibles and intricacies which every office and workplace bring to us, all in an effort to avoid unnecessary confusion. We don't want to appear as though we are clueless so we make every effort to appear informed, and if we can't manage that, then we try to look as though we are quick learners.

A work environment simultaneously lends itself to utter organisational chaos as well as to the order which will negate that chaos. There is both poison and cure. It's the rest of life where bewildering conversations or situations don't offer up their answers as conveniently. Misheard conversations are probably the most frequent for me; personal pronouns are particularly tricky. He has apparently being seeing her for a while now, but she doesn't know about her and she doesn't think he's all that great anyway, he said. Eh? Pardon? Gimme some names, for the love of God.

This goes some way to explaining how terrible I am with gossip. I keep forgetting the important parts (such as names, what happened, why it is scandalous, etc, etc), which is a bad way to transmit gossip. No-one ever got excited about the illicit communication: "You know that bloke? Well, he did something with someone. Saucy, eh?". No 3am girl, I.

It's not just gossip, though. There are also those conversations where you're trying to work out what the other one is saying and you're just not quite getting a handle on the whole thing. There's just that little bit of data missing. Or there may well be too much information for you to sift through and work out what the hell is going on. Or there might be contradictory information which is further confusing the whole matter. Or you might not understand the other person's motivation. Or you might not understand your own motivation. Perplexing. Perhaps it's a lot less baffling just to lay one's cards on the table. Or perhaps not.

I'm not sure there's ever a point at which I can lessen my confusion at life generally. Work, play, people, news, friends, the bus drivers on the 24 route … the list of things which make me unsure seems endless. There are times when I can't decide whether being sure about something is even worthwhile: aren't most decisions just shades of meaning rather than absolutes, anyway? Which might be a bit of a circular argument: "I'm confused by why I'm confused". Great clarity of thought there, Mark. Well done. Gold star.